I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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