Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
