Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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