Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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