Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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