he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
did you just send me my own nude
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
