whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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