my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My pussy is not your playground.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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