I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
