my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
