Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
