I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
