yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
