No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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