tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
