Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
