Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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