It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
