one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
So. Much. Porn.
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