My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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