My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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