My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
When did angry sex become our thing?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME