If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
