my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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