You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
