I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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