im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You took a bar mat shot.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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