just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
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I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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