How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
