Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
