I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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