She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
