ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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