WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
