Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
