when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
