first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
