Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
