if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
