Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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