i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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