your parents love me but you hate me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
