It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
