new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
