apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
