I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
