i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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