bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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