I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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