how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
