eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
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